Sometimes I’m just in the wrong place.
I walk into Starbucks in the dark of the very early morning before dawn and drop my books and computer in “my” place – the table the baristas say they’re going to put a plaque on with my name in case anyone should arrive before me and not know that it’s “mine”. My guy Cory’s been known to tackle customers with their eye on my spot.
I sit for a minute and resist the urge to open my computer immediately. I try to feel what I’m feeling…Anxiety, butterflies, stress…fear?? Yes, fear.
Fear of failure. Of not adding value. Not producing. Ugh.
And then I come across this, scribbled in a notebook I keep in my purse.
Yep. I have FPSD. FearPrideSuccessDisorder. You too?
Fear moves me to try to do more, control more…to try to BE God. Try to take care of…everything.
Pride and Success move me to think I AM more…I AM God, so I don’t really need Him. I am taking care of…everything. Thank you very much.
Either way I’m in the wrong place.
It’s because I’m choosing to take the place of God that I’m sunk.
Half the battle is identifying and admitting.
“Hi, I’m Laura and I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I’m in the wrong place. The place reserved for You, God.”*
The second half of the battle is saying, “I want to trade places.”
I make myself stop and breathe. And pray. And read a Psalm*, and journal.
It’s pure discipline, but God meets me in the moment and settles me down a tiny bit.
The Lord reigns, He is robed in majesty;
the Lord is robed in majesty and armed with strength;
indeed, the world is established, firm and secure.
Your throne was established long ago;
you are from all eternity.
Here, Lord, take my place.
Can you relate to FPSD? What is helpful to you in treating this condition?
* Ezekiel 28:1,2
* Psalm 89:8-9, 15-17