Tag: conversation

Good Talk!

June 8, 2019 /

Look at you! You trivialize religion, turn spiritual conversation into empty gossip.

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The other night we went out with some close friends we hadn’t seen in awhile. It was a fun dinner of catching up, but afterwards I felt an air of regret. It seemed like our conversation had been mostly about things and people – not malicious gossip, but certainly not the kind of dialog that is inspiring or high-minded.

A mentor of ours used to quote Eleanor Roosevelt:

Great Minds Discuss Ideas; Average Minds Discuss Events; Small Minds Discuss People.

Not every conversation has to be deep and meaningful. We can just “be” together and laugh, but I also don’t want to miss out on what God might have for us to gain in community.

Reflecting on our evening with friends, I compared it in my mind to several other meals we have had over the past six months.

There are people in our life who don’t press for control, but are aware of opportunities to bring richness to our conversations that we can easily miss.

A colleague once said, “There’s a difference between being mechanical or legalistic and being intentional.”

Last month we were with some dear friends for a weekend in England. At our first meal together, the husband said, “On Sunday night I don’t want to look back and think, ‘Oh what an opportunity we missed!‘ So let’s make our conversations count.”

At each subsequent meal, he asked each of us to bring up different things on our hearts that we are wrestling with. As a result we talked about the difficulty and messiness of discipleship, change, identity, parenting, humility, leadership, accountability, culture, theology, sexuality and prayer! Our friendship was strengthened and we were enriched.

Other friends, think carefully about a question to throw out in a group. One mentor of ours at a dinner for 10 people around a table asked if any of us knew what the work “bespoke” meant. He had read it recently in a book and discovered that it means “special or unique”. He went on to ask each of us around the table what “bespoke” gift we had received in the past year. Our faith was strengthened as we listened to special gifts of God’s grace and faithfulness in the lives of our friends.

Another friend, who opens his home to young men every Tuesday night, is careful to create a safe environment and prioritize authenticity and acceptance. Recently he asked, “Are you hopeful? Why? Be honest.”

Questions and intention can keep our marriages fresh too. Recently I heard about some weekly questions that had been adapted from those in the book, A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken and posted them on Instagram.⠀

I tweaked them some more, and John and I have started talking about them every Sunday. Weird to start after 35 years of marriage? Maybe a little, but worth it! Give it a try or make up your own.

So this is what I’ve been thinking about…I don’t want to make conversation contrived or bring intensity to every interaction, but I also don’t want to default to the trivial and miss out on the richness of community discussion.

What if we took a minute before going into a social situation to prayerfully consider a question to pose if the timing is right? Here are some I’ve thought of:

  • What’s been a life-giving experience for you lately?
  • What keeps you awake at night?
  • What’s one prayer you have for your kids? For the church?

What would you add?

As always, I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away! And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of inspiration, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

colossians 4:6

3 Questions For Tense Days in America

January 31, 2017 /

It’s been an unsettling couple weeks, hasn’t it? Kind of like someone shook up our snow globe of life and we’re trying to figure out where things are going to settle.

Sunday morning husband John and I arrived home from a trip in time to overlap briefly with our daughter and son-in-law who were in town for a wedding. We went to brunch before taking them back to the airport, talking non-stop, trying to squeeze 24 hours into our 5 hours together.

We talked a lot about the sad state of our country and the mandate we feel to do what we can to stand up for those who are being persecuted, but the tone of our conversation left me a bit troubled. Our talk was marked more by righteous indignation, anger and judgment than anything else. We shared outrageous tweets and news stories we had seen.

Later, I was reading in Acts 6 where the disciples are choosing men for special work. They look for “people whom everyone trusts, men full of the Holy Spirit and good sense…”

One they choose is Stephen who is described as “full of faith and the Holy Spirit…”

Later, in verse 8 it says, “Stephen, brimming with God’s grace and energy, was doing wonderful things among the people, unmistakable signs that God was among them.”

So, here’s the uncomfortable part. Would anyone listening to our conversation Sunday have identified me as “full of the Holy Spirit”? “Brimming with God’s grace and energy”? Not so much.

I’d be golden if a fruit of the Spirit was anger or frustration or criticism!

Yes, we need to speak truth. We need to rail against injustice. But bringing the kingdom of God will not happen if we are sucked into a vortex of CNN and Twitter madness that just fuels our anger.

To make a difference we need to be different.

We need to use different language, words marked by the grace and wisdom of Jesus.

We need to have a different spirit –  the Spirit of Jesus.

If we are to be the non-anxious presence, we need to be rooted and grounded first in Jesus.

So, 3 questions I’ve been asking myself:

  1. Am I taking time to be still, to breathe deep, to pray up, to fill up with the words of Jesus? Or am I turning first to news outlets?
  2. If someone overheard my conversation today would they note anything of Jesus in it? Anything different from the world? Am I listening with respect to the other?
  3. What does love require of me? 

“Wage peace.

Conspire justice.

Plot goodness.

Devise forgiveness.

Scheme mercy

Incite reconciliation.

Foment inclusion.

Practice resurrection.” Nathan Hamm

 

5 Questions to Save Your Holidays from Family Drama

November 21, 2016 /

This is a repost from a couple years ago, but I need the reminders so I thought you might too 🙂

It’s three days before Thanksgiving and Christmas is just a ho-ho-ho away.  For most of us that means more family interaction during a season when we’re often physically, emotionally, and spiritually stretched thin.DSC00629For people who are trying not to gain weight, they say the most important thing is to go into food intense situations with a plan.

As I look back on our early days of marriage, there are things we could have done to set ourselves up better for success.   We could have used a plan!  So here are a few ideas…

1.  Talk ahead about expectations.

Ask: What’s ONE thing you are most looking forward to and  ONE thing you fear (or dread)?  If you’re married talk about these with each other and then make sure to find a way to communicate with family members you will be spending time with.  Same thing goes if you’re single, but in either case, make sure you ask others about their hopes too!  Just knowing ahead of time what others are thinking helps you to adjust your own expectations.

2.  Acknowledge and make allowances for different wiring.

This was the text from my pastor husband this morning: People are so over-rated.  I don’t see why Jesus likes them so much…they keep wanting to talk! 🙂

The holidays mean throwing together introverts like John who get energy from alone time, with crazy game-loving extroverts like my relatives.

Early in our marriage when 25 of us were crammed together at my parents’ cabin for Thanksgiving we’d look around and John would have disappeared.  We’d find him huddled in a dark corner of a bedroom reading a book.  At first that felt unacceptable!  Rude and crazy!  Why would anyone not want to spend every festive minute together with my wonderful family, playing Monopoly (loudly) and putting on talent shows??

Ask: Who in our family needs space and alone time?  

3.  Be aware of what joys and sorrows, and hot-button issues family members are bringing to the table.

Are there people in your family struggling with infertility and others who are newly pregnant?  Someone celebrating a new job and another dealing with loss?  Are there ways to be sensitive and honest about the difficulty of rejoicing with those who are rejoicing and mourning with those who are mourning?

Are there issues where our family has differences?  In my family, thankfully we’re on the same page on most of the hot topics like religion and sports (:)), but we have differed some in our parenting styles.  We need to be aware of communicating mutual respect and support and reserving judgment in this area.

Ask: What are the topics that might lead to tension or pain?  

4.  Consider what needs to be reconciled or reframed.

Unfortunately, for many families, the holidays are the only time during the year when everyone is in one place.  This can lead to misunderstandings that can fester with lack of proximity.  Someone says something or does something that hurts our feelings and because time is short we withdraw and let the wound deepen during the year.

Ask: Are there any relationships in my family where I need to ask forgiveness, or do I need to talk about hard things in order to reconcile?  

This might mean setting up time to go out for coffee to have that “crucial conversation.”

Ask: Or, are there ways I need to protect myself from toxic relationships that are abusive or bring out the worst in me?

This might mean reframing your view of a relationship, or limiting your time together.

Really, each of these questions is just a way to ask “How can we love each other well this holiday season?”

Does one of these four suggestions or five questions resonate with you?

Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

What we Bring to the Table

November 12, 2014 /

Awhile ago we hosted a dinner party and it felt like a slow motion train-wreck.  Honestly.  At one point we were afraid one of our guests was going to leap over the table and physically attack another guest.

And to think I was upset beforehand that I didn’t have an appropriate soup tureen and ladle.  The stuff we worry about!

I haven’t watched Game of Thrones or the Red Wedding episode, but from what I hear, after this dinner I really don’t have to.

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To say there was tension would be an understatement.

Husband John and I have done quite a bit of post-mortem analysis and have asked what we can learn from this.

As I think about what was brought to the table (besides soup), I realize there was tremendous fatigue.  It had been a very long weekend in the midst of a busy season for most of us.  When we’re tired we’re not at our best.

We also brought preconceptions, insecurities, and judgment to the table.

But Fear was the uninvited guest we hadn’t expected.  Continue reading

One Thing the Middle East and Sexuality Have in Common

March 14, 2014 /

I’m pretty sure I’m in Florida and it’s Friday as I write this, but I know I’ve missed posting on the days I usually do.  This week feels a little like being on the spinning cups ride at the fair – twirling from a set of controversial conversations where the narrative of one is at odds with the other in the Middle East, to another set of complex conversations around the issue of being gay and faithful to God’s Word.

I got home from Israel/Palestine on Tuesday so that I could be in MN for a conversation we hosted Wednesday night at our church between two friends – Jeff Chu and Wesley Hill.  Both happen to be gay Christian men who are trying to faithfully follow Jesus as best they can.

What do the Middle East and sexuality have in common?  Well-meaning, broken, faithful people are trying to find their way in a world that often feels hostile and unsafe.

The Wednesday night conversation was rich and honest and gentle. The overwhelming response I got from people afterwards was, “I can’t believe how gracious and kind the tone of the whole evening was…how thoughtful and respectful both guys were.”

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Yep, it’s sad that this is not what we’ve come to expect from dialog in the church over things we disagree about.  Why is that?  Why is there this anxiety about needing to be “right”?  Why do we use the Bible as an weapon to bash the other rather than an instrument of love to guide our conversations? Continue reading

Changing the Conversation

March 3, 2014 /

Last night most of America was watching the Oscars...the red carpet beautiful people who seem to be as good at dodging questions as a politician running for office.  Many questions the press hurls at them are inappropriately personal or just stupid.  Who wouldn’t want to avoid some of that?  But there are other times when changing the conversation is positive, and important to growth.

This afternoon I’m leaving on a trip to Israel/Palestine.  I’m traveling with a few people from our church, led by Telos, an organization we’ve been partnering with that desires to engage evangelicals in conversations with Israelis and Palestinians pursuing peace.

This is hard stuff.  Complicated and intense and emotional, and personal for so many.  Frankly, I might prefer it if Jesus invited me to follow Him into, say…Hawaii maybe. Continue reading

7 Ways to Thrive (or at least survive) at a Holiday Party

December 16, 2013 /

The other day I wrote about the people we’ve gathered around our table over the years.  I wrote about how we all have fascinating stories that are part of God’s larger story and part of life is getting to know each other’s stories.

“Well,” you might have said to yourself, “Stories shmories.  All fine and dandy for you, but holiday parties are about as fun to me as being chosen as a tribute in the Hunger Games.”

Unknown Ok, this post is going to change all that.  It will be a Christmas miracle and you’ll want to send me all your Christmas cookies as a thank you.

This morning there was a guy and a girl, maybe in their late 20’s sitting near me at Starbucks.  I’m thinking morning coffee date.  Match.com.

I really wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but it’s possible my natural spy skills automatically kicked in when I heard certain words like “single” and “Christian” crop up.

Here’s the thing. The girl talked about herself nonstop!  I kept wanting to stuff a Cranberry Bliss bar in her mouth and say “STOOOOOOP TALKKKKKING!  Give the poor guy a chance!”

Yep, most people love to talk about themselves.  Who could possibly be more interesting than…you?

But also in the same coffee shop is Tom, who comes in every morning and no matter how friendly I am he seems to have a hard time conversing with me.  He just always seems uncomfortable and lonely and I want to give him a big hug and say “It’s gonna be ok.”

All of this has gotten me to thinking about the ways that we connect, especially at holiday parties.  Here are a few ideas: Continue reading

Kingdom Conversations

May 15, 2013 /

One of the amazing blessings of my life is that John serves on the World Vision International Board and I get to tag along as he travels with them.  Seeing new places and learning about new cultures is enriching, but I also get to spend time with remarkable, godly people I admire!  This week we’ve been in London and Windsor with these friends.

One of the things I notice is the power of a mantra my friend Sharon repeats often: “Words matter.”  Too many, too few (a compliment left unshared), life-giving words, words of gratitude or complaint.  Our words can be the thermostat that sets the temperature of a conversation.  If God is noting the temperature I set with my words, I’m wondering how often it would be set at “foot in mouth”, or “insensitive”, “self-centered”, or “gossipy”.

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Sitting at lunch yesterday my friend Helen didn’t just let the conversation drift.  She asked the seven women around the table, (all of us new acquaintances) to share what one of our passions is.

After the first person spoke, another woman at the table suggested that we pray for each person after they shared.  What could have been nice chit-chat became a lovely, richer time of fellowship because these two women took the opportunity to set the temperature of our conversation, creating a God-honoring environment.

Whether it’s our friends on the board here, or mentors elsewhere, some of the things I’ve observed about Jesus followers who know that words matter are:

  • They listen really well.  They are present and will sift through the extraneous and pick up on the important heart issues.
  • They ask good questions.
  • They find things to affirm.  Their speech is “seasoned with grace.”
  • Even when asked for advice, they limit what they say. (This one is a huge one for me to learn from!!)
  • They model what Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.”

What is it that you think makes the difference between conversations that lift our minds and those that lower them?

Praying Present

March 25, 2013 /

The other day I prayed a lot.

But not at all.

Not really.

I journalled thoughts kind of aimed at God like a wad of paper flipped haphazardly over my shoulder towards the trash can.

I repeated the words of the Lord’s Prayer in church along with everyone else.  Really fast like in a race.

Continue reading

What do Kingdom Conversations Sound Like?

January 23, 2013 /

Years ago, a wise old couple, (picture Mr. and Mrs. Yoda) – ones who have that “non-anxious presence” that is so winsome – impacted us greatly.

Every time we came away from a conversation with them we felt like our eyes, our hearts, our spirits had been lifted to something higher.  We came away feeling richer.  Sometimes inspired, sometimes challenged.  Sometimes with renewed vision.  We started referring to these as “kingdom conversations.”

They said they had learned the quality from people before them who always seemed to be able to redirect the focus of a conversation like a boomerang, away from themselves, back to the other person and the work of God.  Not in  cheesy manufactured way, but it was just part of who they were.

The other day we were with a group of young friends, discussing a new acquaintance who didn’t seem to be very good at the boomerang game.  Not a very good question-asker-listener.  Instead, this person seemed to be a little self-absorbed (like we all can be).

Continue reading

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